* (jedifreac) wrote,

Me at the Movies: 300

So today I sat in my favorite chair in my favorite movie theater with my favorite boy and I watched 300.

Met up with the Enigma crew (no one else seemed to want to come!) at 7PM and we set out to find a place to dine in hell. We ended up going to Pastagetti, because it looked hellish, but it turned out not to be--in fact, they had really, really good lasagna. They even split the check for us, individually. Quite cool. So it wasn't exactly hell, but Ken and I did have...

Then we hit Jerry's Famous Deli (since BrewCo was packed on account of St. Patrick's Day) and aaronjv got really, really, really DRUNK. I tried to drink tequila on the rocks and discovered that if there are rocks in my tequila, I just swallow them like pills. Ouch.

Anyhow, the movie itself? Well...

Short Summary: Men in panties. Run around. Yell SPARRRTA a lot. Poke stuff with sticks.

First they showed a trailer for The Tudors, which is so totally like, fratboy Henry VIII. Then they showed a trailer for Spider-man III and it was um, awkward.

    James Franco: Spider-man killed my father.
    Me: ... awkward.
    James Franco: ::throws pumpkin bombs::
    Spider-man: I hate those things.
    Pumpkin Bombs: BOOM BOOM BOOM
    Me: Holy fuck. ::hides from James Franco::
Anyhow, then it was onto the feature presentation. It was. HEELARIOUS. REEDONKULUS. etc. Oh god there were so many things I wanted to snark that I couldn't.

Narrator: Once upon a time in Sparta they are kind of assholes and they throw ugly babies off of a cliff. And then they take the prettier babies away from their mommies. And throw the teenagers into the snow, where they must fight CGI wolves with glowy eyes. Remember this well, because later on these Spartans will fight really really hard to preserve their beautiful culture.

Teen Leonidas fights a a CGI wolf that somehow manages to look even shitter than the wolves in The Day After Tomorrow. It is ARTISTIC, therefore blowing the audience's collective MIND. All the other Spartans also thought this was cool, so they made him King.

We are introduced to Leonidas, now King, and his hot wife, Sarah Connor. Frank Miller did not want to give Sarah Connor this big of a role in the movie, because in Frank Miller stories only whores are allowed to talk.

A messenger comes from Persia. Because he is not Caucasian, and has funny body piercings, Leonidas is a dick to him. Oh, and for some reason Leonidas sounds like a Scotsman. The messenger insisted that this is MADNESS. Leonidas insisted that his country is actually called SPARTA. Minna wondered why Leonidas wasn't wearing pants.

Then Leonidas kicked the guy down a hole. And then lots of other guys fell down a hole, and it was ARTISTIC.

Because of this, Leonidas had to climb up a big hill to meet with Emperor Palpatine. Emperor Palpatine then nibbled on the neck of a hot chick, who twitched so hard that her clothing floated around her in large swirls thereby completely unintentionally revealing her breasts. This meant LEONIDAS COULD NOT GO TO WAR.

So instead, he went home. And had front sex, back sex, top sex, bottom sex, and buttsex. With his wife.

King Leonidas decided to go to war anyway, because THIS IS SPARTA. So he got together 300 men. Which means the story should really be called 301, but since they only hired 50 actors to play Spartans the title is misleading anyway.

    Captain: King Leonidas here are soldiers.
    Leonidas: Hey. That guy is your son.
    Captain: Yup.
    Leonidas:Isn't he too young to fight? He looks like a Virgin.
    Virgin: Hello! I'm pretty and I look like the emo posterchild from Fall Out Boy!

So all the Spartans march off to this place with narrow passes and cliffs, to hang out with the Persians, who are trying to kill them. On the way, they run into some Arcadian Greeks.

    Leonidas: What do you do for a living?
    Arcadian: I'm a pussy. I mean. I'm a potterer.
    Arcadian: I'm a pussy. I'm a blacksmith.
    Leonidas: Gentleman, what is your occupation?
    Spartans: YARRRRRRR! ::waves spears::
Which was like, completely avoiding the question, but like, whatever. Maybe the Spartans are just, like, really passive aggressive or something.

    Quasimodo: Please let me fight with you guys plz.
    Leonidas: You are too ugly to fight with us.
    Quasimodo: But I have vital intelligence that will win the day!
    Leonidas: You can't even lift a spear.
    Quasimodo: But I love Sparta!
    Leonidas: Oh. Well in that case, you can be a nurse!

Anyhow, then the Spartas fought a lot, and people were pushed off cliffs and stuff, and they even managed to fight ninjas, and like, a Persian who was like super-orc-Hulk, and a RHINOCEROS.

    Narrator: The Arcadians served as a distraction for the Spartans. They came in, fighting at ever angle, and were slaughtered, because they were not as cool as the Spartans. Not true warriors.
    Me: This narrator is kind of an asshole, isn't he?

    Narrator: The Persians then sent their great beasts to help them fight.
    Me: Yay! Oliphants! So cute!
    Narrator: But the beasts were clumsy and weak. And fell off a cliff.
    Three elephants fall off a cliff
    Me: OH MY FUCKING GOD. This is even worse than that one time Legolas killed the Oliphant! ::cries::

Oh fucking hell, at the end of the movie I wanted to kick the narrator's fucking ass. He sounded like Steve Irwin narrating something on the Discovery Channel. Like watch as this Spartan panther eats this graceful Persian Zebra. etc.

Then I found out that the narrator was Faramir. And I felt kind of guilty. [This, by the way, is more_cowbells's kind of movie.]

Xerxes got mad, so he had his friend with a really smushed face and really, really sharp ulnas behead some dude. The guy's head spun in the air. Like a BALLERINA.

Right, so then this guy who was Not!Wolverine raped Queen Sarah Connor, who was trying to help her husband of the pointy beard. Which was just stupid, because you don't fucking mess with the mother of John fucking Connor

And then the Persian King, Xerxes, played by Paulo of LOST, was all like, to the Phantom of the Opera, please submit to me kthx I'm fruity. [The director said this is intentional because the scariest thing to a testosterone charged straight teenaged boy is, as Ken put it delicately, getting raped by a big gay man with an army. And cheek piercings.]

And the Spartans fought a lot, in their underwear. Because they didn't want to protect their chests. Which were all HAIRLESS. Because when they weren't spending all their time building gigantic walls of dead bodies, they spent their time plucking out each other's chest hairs with chopsticks. (This will be in the deleted scenes. I swear.)

I guess Quasimodo really didn't want to be a nurse or something, because later on he went to meet with Xerexes and Xerexes had his whores pet him and then he was happy and he got a princess hat for effort. Moral of the story? If you are nice to cripples and give them whores, they will be your friends.

Anyhow, back on the battlefield Virgin and "Fight in the Shade" are dancing around in their underpants while stabbing people. And the Captain is so proud of Virgin.

But then, and I SHIT YOU NOT, a Persian attacks. OUT OF THE MISTS. Atop a WHITE STALLION. And OMG


(and then gallops off. seriously.)

And Daddy of Virgin is distraught.
    Narrator: The father of the virgin was so distraught. He shouted NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It was very disconcerting.
    Captain: ::is disconcerting::
    Narrator: It took three men to restrain him.
    Three men: ::restrain him::
    Me: ::facepalm::

Back in SPAAARTTA, Queen Sarah Connor stabs a bitch. Not!Wolverine conveniently keeps his traitor coins in places where he is likely to be stabbed. But it is too late for King Leonidas, who is busy yelling all over the place.

You see, Leonidas remembered how shitty the CGI wolf he fought in his adolescence was, so he went and performed the dropping of his hat, and his shield, and his spear, and then tried to throw things at Xerxes.

    Narrator: His hat made it hard to see. So he had to drop it.
    His shield made it hard to throw stuff. So he had to drop that too. Cuz he was throwing far away.
    Leonidas: ::misses::

Then Xerxes cried cuz his face got dinged. Leonidas got himself all Boromired and it was silly, because he was wearing panties. And the wailing ovaries Gladiator voice lady rummmeddeeedummmed in a wheat field over the soundtrack. And Queen Sarah Connor was presented with the opportunity to upgrade from the Phantom to FARAMIR. Nice.

In the credits, I noticed: Spartan Baby Inspector. Played by Dennis St John

    300 Drinking Game
    Because when it comes out on DVD, we are going to watch it, and snark it, and get more wasted than Aaron.

  • Take a sip if someone says SPAAARTA.

  • Yell TITS when there are tits.

  • Cower when there is an ugly person on the screen, especially if he has pointy arms that...

  • Take a shot when there's a BEHEADING.

  • Yell YARR when the Spartans do their speary thing.

    Aaron: SPAAARTAAA!!! COOKIEEEES!!! runs towards Diddyreese
    Me: Uh. We'd better go rescue him from the fruity Persians!
    Notices that I am standing next to the hookah place. Oops. (I meant Xerxes)

    Me: I don't understand why they made fun of Athenians for having sex with little boys.
    Kirsten: Yeah, the Spartans encouraged their troops to have sex with each other.
    Aaron: YEAH! YEAH! The Spartans believed that men were for LOVE, boys were for SEX and women were for CHILDREN!
    Everyone: ...
    Aaron: LET'S GO FIND A BOY!
    Kirsten: You're so not getting any tonight.

Tags: movies

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