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Star Wars : Legacy of the Force : Sacrifice

another snarkalicious summary of the latest Star Wars book.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

Episode V: Sacrifice

War! Really. Again. In this galaxy, do they ever stop? The Corellian System has seceded from the Galactic Alliance. So it's kind of like the American Civil War, with JACEN SOLO as Abraham Lincoln trying to save the Union. That is, if Abraham Lincoln had lost all semblance of rational thought, joined the Sith, and apprenticed himself to his uncle's ex-girlfriend.

LUKE SKYWALKER's girlfriend from 35 years ago, now Dark Lady of the Sith LUMIYA, has returned from obscurity, threatening the well being of his wife, MARA JADE SKYWALKER, and their teenaged son, BEN--Jacen's young apprentice. Meanwhile, BOBA FETT, dying of cancer, is still coping with the fact that Jacen headdesked his daughter AILYN to death during an interrogation, while trying to cope with the travails of being a grandpappy.

This is Anakin Skywalker's Legacy of the Force.

It' the middle book of the series, so nonsensical poodoo predictably goes down.

    Mara: I'm so worried. I can't sleep. We have family trubbles.
    Luke: ::snore snore::
    Mara: Oh! I know! Killing Luke's ex-girlfriend will solve all of my problems! Yay!

He will choose the fate of the weak
He will win and break his chains
He will choose how he will be loved.
He will strengthen himself through sacrifice.
He will make a pet.
He will strengthen himself through pain.
He will name the pet Pikachu.
He will balance between peace and conflict.
He will become the world's greatest Pokemon master.
He will immortalize his love.

-translation of the symbology in knotted Sith pony tail holders

Ben returns from his mission with a wonderful puppy-like Sith spaceship. It is cute. And full of evil.

    Boba Fett: Hi, I am Mandalore now. Which makes me kind of like the king of the Mandalorians, except not. And my granddaughter Mirta hates me.
    Mirta: is baleful
    Boba Fett: Anyhow, as boss person of the Mandalorians, I have decided not to pick a side in the war.
    Mirta: pouts
    Other Mandalorians: Is this cuz you are mad cuz Jacen Solo killed your daughter whom you never met cuz she resented you for abandoning her as an infant?
    Boba Fett: Uh. takes some vicoden
    Mirta: is sporting a poo poo face

    Lumiya: You're just pissed off at Princess Leia because she made you ugly, huh.
    Alema: She cut off our arm. And our foot. And our face. And our BRAINZ. That's why we are pissed.
    Lumiya: shoves foot into mouth
    Alema: Sniff. We used to be a DANCER.

    Mara: Ben you missed your birthday party because you ran away from home on a secret mission. But we're not mad at you. We'll throw you another party next year.
    Ben: But I don't want to have a birthday party.
    Mara: We can invite everyone in the family! Like Aunt Leia and Uncle Han!
    Ben: But I tried to arrest Uncle Han for treason.
    Mara: We're going to have a birthday party goddammit!

    Ben: "Mom, have you ever had to so something you didn't want to but knew you had to?"
    Me: yes. like reading this book. and then writing this...this thing.
    Mara: Uh. No.

    Bartender: Hey. I recognize you. You're taking lots of painkillers. Your dialogue is very brusque, gruff, sarcastic, and mean. You are followed around by an apprentice, a young brunette who appears to be filled with self doubt, and pretend-antipathy towards you.
    Boba Fett: -_-
    Boba Fett: I'm Boba Fett.
    Bartender: omigosh. mmkay nevermind.

    Jacen: Before I can be a true Pokemon Master Sith Lord, the Sith Lord Cookbook of Tassels says I need to sacrifice someone.
    Jacen: Maybe I should kill my daughter. She can be my sacrifice!
    Jacen: No, no, that's not right. That would be insane. And insane is what I am like, the total opposite of. I guess it's wrong to kill your own child. I should kill Luke Skywalker's child, instead!

    Mara: I still can't believe you held hands with your ex-girlfriend in that last battle we had with her. Jeez.
    Luke: I'm so sorry. =(
    Mara: uh huh. Too bad I'm gonna go kill her now. And I'm going to do it on my own!

    Jacen: I want stuff.
    Military Procurement Bureaucrat: Sorry sir. You must follow the rules like everyone else.
    Jacen's bitch: Yes, sir?
    Jacen: I WANT A LAWYER!

    Jacen: I want to change laws. Look. I've changed the laws. Now there is an Emergency Measures Act! It's kind of like the Patriot Act, but better, cuz it was madez by me!
    Jacen's bitch: OMG JACEN u are so cool. You remind me of your granddaddy!

In this novel, we also learn that Boba Fett's wife had a nickname for him. It was...wait for it...wait for it...Bo.

    Ben: Teach me how to hide in the Force.
    Jacen: Okay imagine yourself as lots of molecules.
    Ben: okay. Yay.
    Jacen: Assassinate the President of Corellia for me, Ben. I can't have him wanting to kill Tenel Ka and all.
    Ben: mm okay.
    Jacen: omg Ben is so cute. I don't want to kill him. cries
No, really. He actually cries.

In the meantime, Mara Jade gives Ben a very special knife. With a super secret GPS system on it. So she can stalk him.

Also, the Chief of State of the Galactic Alliance decides to meet with the President of Corellia to negotiate peace--with the term that Jacen gets the boot. This makes Jacen sad, since he'd rather be in the cool kids club than have peace again, despite the fact that he is trying to make the galaxy safer for his daughter.

    Jacen: I want a regime change. Let's overthrow the Chief of State of the Galactic Alliance and rule together in a "duumvirate"!
    Adm. Niathal: A dumbvirate? Why don't one of us just do it?
    Jacen: Let's be a duumvirate! The Sith like duumvirates! Only two there are!

    Jacen: So, that last battle, in the last book. You and Luke Skywalker held hands.
    Lumiya: Yes.
    Jacen: You wanted to show him that you were like, so totally over him. Didn't you?
    Lumiya: ...No.
    Jacen: Omigosh let's paint our nails together and talk about our feelings!

    Lumiya: You need to look at the bigger picture instead of focusing about your family trubbles. Star Wars is not about one family. It is about the entire galaxy. The Skywalkers and the Solos are not the main characters okay?
    Jacen: Oh my god you're so totally right.
    Lumiya: Let's find a way to scare Mara Jade.
    Jacen: I know! I know! Let's steal her son's shoes!

And then everyone panicked about the case of the missing and randomly appearing shoes. And Luke made an Admiral Ackbar reference on page 177.

Ben assassinates the President of Corellia but his friend, Jacen's bitch, pretends to be the assassin so Ben doesn't take the fall.

    Mara: Ben, you killed the president of Corellia, didn't you?
    Ben: Sorry. Are you mad?
    Mara: No. I used to be an assassin too. Wow, kids sure grow up fast these days.

    Jacen: Moohahaha
    Lumiya: Moohahahaha. Ben sucks.
    Jacen: Yes. He is dumb. I like to squish his brains.
    Ben: OMG WTF. ::runs and tells mommy::

    Mara: Is your son easily persuaded by others to do evil?
    Leia: No, he is not. He would only do it if he felt like it. Want to get that shaved ice thing at Guppy Teahouse?
    Mara: As I sit here eating Taiwanese style shaved ice I shall ponder my guilt for I am planning to assassinate your son.
    Leia: Yummy.

    Allana: is cute
    Jacen: is squee

    Mara: Die Jacen DIEEEEEE!!!
    Jacen: WAHH NO I AM BEN U DIEEEEE stabbity!
    Mara: You suck more than Palpatine.
    Jacen: No I don't.
    Mara: dies

    Luke: :_: Lots of crying and stuff

I dunno, this book was kind of boring, but it was also a little difficult to make fun of. Anyway, Ben finds Mara's body. Jacen pretends he has just arrived on the scene and is all like, "Hi Ben! Oh hay look ur mom is dead omg!" And in the mean time a lot of boring Mandalorian/Verpine politics stuff happens. And Boba Fett gets a bone marrow transplant and meets GAY MANDOS and it blows the galaxy's collective mind because until today the only LGBT people in Star Wars were lesbians and Hutts (who are hermaphrodites).

    Lumiya: Congrats! Now you're a Sith Lord!
    Jacen: "I don't feel very Lordly."
    Lumiya: Well, you are a Sith now.
    Jacen: But I'm hungry. <== really, he really was hungry.

    Lumiya: Muahaha I killed Mara.
    Luke: I HAET U. ::chases around Lumiya and eventually tricks and beheads her.::

Yeah, that's not dark side at all.

    Cighal: I wonder why Mara didn't dissipate and turn into a Force Ghost?
    Luke: Uh. She wanted us to have clues to find her KILLAR.
    Ben: ::Sniff::
    Luke: It's okay Ben I killed Lumiya, your mommy is avenged.
    Ben: But Lumiya didn't kill her.
    Luke:...ruh roh.
    Ben: Also, mom and I figured out that Jacen is evil. But I'm not going to tell you this. Because you can't know cuz i'ts a plot contrivance.

    Mirta: I found out what happened to your ex-wife, my grandmama. She was frozen in carbonite for 38 years. So she is still alive.
    Boba Fett: This is the most interesting plot line ever.

    In the lala land of convoluted Jacen logic time

    Jacen: I just killed my aunt. But I did not immortalize my love. I am confused. Because I did not love my aunt. Cuz I am a cold hearted bitch.
    Jacen: Oh! I know! I killed Ben's love! And his love for me! Because the world revolves around people loving me and the worst thing that could possibly happen is people not loving me! So I killed that! I guess I'm a Sith Lord now!
    Jacen:wears a hat.

"It had happened. And it was beautiful." And thus Jacen galumphed into the role of Darth Fabulous Caedus.

x-posted to roguereport
previous summaries:
Book One: Betrayal
Book Two: Bloodlines
Book Three: Tempest
Book Four: Exile


Jesus Christ. Boba Fett is still alive?


I mean, he was dying in this book too, of cancer, almost dead. And then they gave him a bone marrow transplant and he was ALL BETTARS.

Hey, are Ackbar and Wedge still around? I know they don't talk about them much anyway, but still...
Wedge is still a prominent character. He married an Intelligence Operative and he has two daughters who are like in the 18-24 range. One is a pilot like him and the other is learning to be a spy like mommy.

Ackbar is dead. His last significant act was to uh, set a trap for the enemy.
Wandered in here somehow, just had to say this was ridiculously funny. Though scary to see just how far gone the books are now - I stopped reading them once they switched over to Del Rey.